Down on my luck once more
Out on a limb
Over the things I thought I knew for sure and you
Yeah, you were fundamentally
Too flawed to give what you receive
And you believed that I was yours to keep

Then I tell myself
Hold on, slow down
Girl, is this me going back to scratch again
And oh you'll know it at the dead of night
You're back to scratch, right back to scratch

Back to Scratch by Charlotte Church



Have you ever felt that you just need to take a step back, review what you’ve learned so far and go back and apply it to the simple days. I have been doing that a lot lately wanting to just go back, when I was sure of things and not just flip flopping around. Back to when I didn’t have such a big responsibility to worry about. Don’t get me wrong I don’t mind having responsibility but being only 20 years old and married is doing my head in.

I guess were my insanity starts is the fact that I can’t actually see my husband, see he’s in the Navy and is deployed right now. I guess the other part is that I sort of had my life planned out before I met him and knew exactly what I wanted how I was gonna get there. Then all changed when we decided to get married. Now I’m not saying that I didn’t know it was gonna change cause I did, but I didn’t realize so much that was talked about was gonna turn so irrelevant once the ring was on. Part of me I guess still resents him for it. I understand that it’s important to let go and try to move on but honestly I feel frustrated. We’re young and we made plans to travel and see the world, but no that won’t be happening haha (here come the big slap in the face), Hey sweetheart
I’M RE-ENLISTING!! Now don’t get me wrong I appreciate all that the armed forces do and I support everything my husband does, I’m very proud of him in fact.

The point is that if he had just told me that he wanted to re-enlist in the beginning then I could have gotten my head around it better, instead of having it sprung on me one day without him even talking to me about it. So I said fine I’ll let that little part go I’ll learn to deal with the new change in my new life with my new husband. Then after having spent time with him, where he was stationed, I thought about joining myself. I wanted to see the world didn’t I? I wanted to have a steady job didn’t I? I wanted to have a chance at school and learn something that I could take back to the civilian world and start a career didn’t I? Well sure who wouldn’t, so after lots of thought and long hours of research I decided that I wanted to join, I wanted to be part of something meaningful myself, you know stopping and thinking that perhaps that’s why my husband wanted to stay in. Well I can tell you now it’s not, but that’s another story.

So when I went to discuss my decision with him I thought he would be on board it would only be 4 years 8 with the reserves and I could save up pay, see the world and gain a skill to do something I always wanted to do (I was gonna enlist in the dive program cause I wanted to become a marine archeologist ) but anyway I would have the opportunity to do something meaningful so I talked it over with him. At first he said ok but he was very apprehensive about it, then it seemed like all he wanted to do is talk me out of it. You’ll have to do this and you’ll have to do that, I understand that the military is no walk in the park but come on now your just taking everything away.

Eventually I signed up to get info and just the other day a recruiter came to my house for an interview and from that interview I think I might have had a really good shot at getting in. I emailed my husband about it and we ended up fighting about it which lead to him finally coming out and saying that he didn’t want me to join. I was happy that he was finally being honest, but not happy that he wasn’t just flipping straight up with me before.

Now what do I do? I have this recruiter who thinks that all things are go and what now I have to tell her “hey umm yeah I think I pretty much changed my mind but thanks for stopping by you take care now ya here” Uh ……no. Being unprofessional with the military is so not how I want to start my year.

So now I’m stuck because like the dumb, dumb I am I made a deal with my husband saying that if he re-enlists then he would have to go back to school and I wouldn’t enlist. *sigh* good deal right? You would think so, but now what about me and my plans. That’s all I have been doing is changing my life to fit his and it’s making me resent him more, because he never seems to be willing to compromise to fit my life. Is that what a real marriage is?………Don’t answer that it was hypothetical folks

I guess from here I have to figure out how to gain a balance cause he’s working my last nerve with this one-sided BS and it’s making it hard to not be angry with him. I’ll keep you up dated on it all.

Till next time
Love, Space and Chicken Vindaloo

You sound so innocent
All full of good intent
You swear you know best

But you expect me to
Jump up on board with you
Ride off into your delusional sunset

I'm not the one who's lost
With no direction oh
But you won't ever see

You're so busy makin' maps
With my name on them in all caps
You got the talkin' down just not the listening

Have you ever heard the words of a certain song and just thought the singer hand seen your life or situation and decide for your sanity they would write that song for you. Then you secretly hope that this certain person hears the song and realize that it was about them. Some of the songs like the one I quoted above have been there for me in my difficult time recently, cause see I just recently got married “oh yeah readers it happen” (and no I’m not pregnant :P I know 20 is young but hey I love the guy).

That was the reason why I had been saying new blog post up today and something would come up with my husband and I would have to take care of that first and would either forget to do the blog or be too tired. That’s what this post is kind of about this recent very quick marriage hasn’t been a walk in the park. There has been some times when I really wanted to give up and walk away.

Why am I telling you this and putting it out there because I’m not ashamed to say I’m struggling I’m having a hard time and a lot of the time what got me through it was music. The words in a certain song that said how I was feeling like I was singing them to the world and the people who loved that song understood exactly what I meant. So many song got me by, ones that made me angry and wanted to stand up for myself then others that made me cry and wonder why I couldn’t keep the man I’m so deeply in love with happy.

You know what folks it happens, its how life works we think going into something will be easy and find out that it takes a lot more then what we originally thought. Yes listening to Sara Bareilles King of Anything gave me that empowered feeling and made me want to take things or rather life into my own hands and walk away. Oh yeah I can’t even begin to count how many times I was on the phone with my Grandmother in Law, Sister in law and my best friends crying saying I was ready to give up and just leave but there is something that my Grandma In Law told me and I know that some of my reader might not believe in God and that’s ok but she told that God had a plan for my husband and I should try and wait it out and listen.

Honestly at the time I had my doubts I still do but at the end of every conversation and after crying to my mom for a while I went and listened to my music. I listened and I believe that maybe that’s how God communicated to me through music because in the end of it all I felt better the music told my story and it felt good.

So basically what my point is music will always and forever be the peace maker of troubles, or so I think.

Music is a world within itself, With a language we all understand – Stevie Wonder, Sir Duke

Till next time stay fearless and make your words have no bonds
Laters guys :D




My hubby and me

My name is Astacia and this is my first blog so bare with me, lol. If you are following my blog you will be joining me on my journey into the world of music. First let me tell you about my beginning in music. At 13 I started thinking about venturing into the world of music when I first started out studying classical and jazz music on my own. This was back when I was in grade school. This went on all the way through my high school years. Although I began with a love of classical and jazz music over the years I have included rock and other genres. I guess if I had the chance I would try it all at some point. Next year I hope to attend Berkelee music school to finally have proper music training. I know I’m almost 20 but I never lost the love of music so I’m taking a chance and putting myself out there. I hope you find my journey and my blog enlightening.

See you soon