Getting back to Scratch

Down on my luck once more
Out on a limb
Over the things I thought I knew for sure and you
Yeah, you were fundamentally
Too flawed to give what you receive
And you believed that I was yours to keep

Then I tell myself
Hold on, slow down
Girl, is this me going back to scratch again
And oh you'll know it at the dead of night
You're back to scratch, right back to scratch

Back to Scratch by Charlotte Church



Have you ever felt that you just need to take a step back, review what you’ve learned so far and go back and apply it to the simple days. I have been doing that a lot lately wanting to just go back, when I was sure of things and not just flip flopping around. Back to when I didn’t have such a big responsibility to worry about. Don’t get me wrong I don’t mind having responsibility but being only 20 years old and married is doing my head in.

I guess were my insanity starts is the fact that I can’t actually see my husband, see he’s in the Navy and is deployed right now. I guess the other part is that I sort of had my life planned out before I met him and knew exactly what I wanted how I was gonna get there. Then all changed when we decided to get married. Now I’m not saying that I didn’t know it was gonna change cause I did, but I didn’t realize so much that was talked about was gonna turn so irrelevant once the ring was on. Part of me I guess still resents him for it. I understand that it’s important to let go and try to move on but honestly I feel frustrated. We’re young and we made plans to travel and see the world, but no that won’t be happening haha (here come the big slap in the face), Hey sweetheart
I’M RE-ENLISTING!! Now don’t get me wrong I appreciate all that the armed forces do and I support everything my husband does, I’m very proud of him in fact.

The point is that if he had just told me that he wanted to re-enlist in the beginning then I could have gotten my head around it better, instead of having it sprung on me one day without him even talking to me about it. So I said fine I’ll let that little part go I’ll learn to deal with the new change in my new life with my new husband. Then after having spent time with him, where he was stationed, I thought about joining myself. I wanted to see the world didn’t I? I wanted to have a steady job didn’t I? I wanted to have a chance at school and learn something that I could take back to the civilian world and start a career didn’t I? Well sure who wouldn’t, so after lots of thought and long hours of research I decided that I wanted to join, I wanted to be part of something meaningful myself, you know stopping and thinking that perhaps that’s why my husband wanted to stay in. Well I can tell you now it’s not, but that’s another story.

So when I went to discuss my decision with him I thought he would be on board it would only be 4 years 8 with the reserves and I could save up pay, see the world and gain a skill to do something I always wanted to do (I was gonna enlist in the dive program cause I wanted to become a marine archeologist ) but anyway I would have the opportunity to do something meaningful so I talked it over with him. At first he said ok but he was very apprehensive about it, then it seemed like all he wanted to do is talk me out of it. You’ll have to do this and you’ll have to do that, I understand that the military is no walk in the park but come on now your just taking everything away.

Eventually I signed up to get info and just the other day a recruiter came to my house for an interview and from that interview I think I might have had a really good shot at getting in. I emailed my husband about it and we ended up fighting about it which lead to him finally coming out and saying that he didn’t want me to join. I was happy that he was finally being honest, but not happy that he wasn’t just flipping straight up with me before.

Now what do I do? I have this recruiter who thinks that all things are go and what now I have to tell her “hey umm yeah I think I pretty much changed my mind but thanks for stopping by you take care now ya here” Uh ……no. Being unprofessional with the military is so not how I want to start my year.

So now I’m stuck because like the dumb, dumb I am I made a deal with my husband saying that if he re-enlists then he would have to go back to school and I wouldn’t enlist. *sigh* good deal right? You would think so, but now what about me and my plans. That’s all I have been doing is changing my life to fit his and it’s making me resent him more, because he never seems to be willing to compromise to fit my life. Is that what a real marriage is?………Don’t answer that it was hypothetical folks

I guess from here I have to figure out how to gain a balance cause he’s working my last nerve with this one-sided BS and it’s making it hard to not be angry with him. I’ll keep you up dated on it all.

Till next time
Love, Space and Chicken Vindaloo